Friday, June 24, 2005

Memoirs of an MBA............

Memoirs of an MBA...
July 26
Dear Diary,

I can't hold myself down. My FIRST day on the job!! And I like it
already. "Assistant Junior Deputy to the Vice Chairman -
Manufacturing". My dad was thrilled when he heard my designation.
"What the f!@#!!!" was his exact words. Oh I love it when my parents
are happy...

Need to meet HR in half an hour. I cant wait to get my first Employee
ID Card and cubicle. I hope Parthasarathy Whatayblouse Crappers is the
beginning of great things.

P.S. I have brought my favorite textbooks back from the insti. OD, OM
and HR should help me grow rapidly in the organization. And I WILL
handle soft issues before facing hard issues here at PWC.

July 28th
Dear Diary,

Had a lot of fun with HR yesterday. The guy who had recruited me had
left a month ago. So they didnt know I was joining. We had a hearty
laugh over that one.

I'll get my cubicle in a few days time. For the time being I am
sharing a nice one with Claire. She's with Corporate Communication.
The phone doesnt work though...

August 2nd
Dear Diary,

Met my boss today. He spend a lot of time with my CV and then asked me
how I managed to get a job with them. (Even he knows how lucky they
are to get me..) He told me to review our material ordering system in
the err... umm... the... the "big yellow and blue noisy machine
section" of the plant.

Claire is working on an "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The office
boy had just resigned. So she got me to pose with an apron and a tray
of cookies for a photo. They are going to call me Ramon and use it for
ads. I am going to be famous.

August 7th
Dear Diary,

My first breakthrough. I have decided to order nickel ball bearings
using the EQO.. QEO... whatever formula. It takes into account item
cost, holding cost and weight of ball bearing I think. The purchase
guy gave me a funny look when he saw my annual requisition contract
form. He is obviously not an MBA...

Claire resigned today. She told me carry on with the "Our Employees
Love Us" campaign.

P.S. Lesson for the week. You cannot order 0.7564 of a ball bearing.
It has to be in whole numbers.

August 11th
Dear Diary,

I just got a shipment of 4384 ball bearings. I checked up with
Engineering. They said that should be enough for around 14 years of
requirement. I gave them 3 and stashed away the rest in a cupboard in
my room. If prices of ball bearings go up, I see a lot of potential

I have decided to develop informal channels of communication. From
tomorrow I will spend a little time next to the coffee machine to
understand the unspoken messages within the underbelly of the firm.
(That OD book is good)

August 14th
Dear Diary,

I sent my first official letter today. It was to our Facilities
manager Merry Le Bian. She is a hottie. I told her that the Coffee
Machine takes too much time to reheat between refills. Wrote it in a
WAC format and all with a table of contents and everything. She is
sure going to impressed!! I spell checked it in MS word and emailed it
to her an hour ago. No reply yet.

They scrapped the "Our Employees Love Us" campaign. The photo shoot
was taking up too much time, and people were being forced to stay late
without extra pay. Someone finally went and vandalised the banner. It
now reads "Our Employers Shove Us". I offered to model for all the
snaps and videos. They called me a dickhead. I was delighted. Dickhead
is internal slang for "Big Stud". HR told me. Everyone calls me that...

P.S. One more shipment of ball bearings came. Again 4384. The contract
can't be changed now. I dont have too much space left in my cupboard.

August 25th
Dear Diary,

My letter came back. It had a pink post-it on it from Merry. "Please
proofread" it said. It was CC'd to my boss. How was I supposed to know
MS Word would spell check her name and change it to Merry
Lesbian????!!!! Where's natural justice?

Today five minutes before a meeting the cupboard door broke open. It
took me ten minutes to pick up all the ball bearings from the floor. I
had to run to the board room for the meeting and slipped on a bearing
which rolled under the door. I fell on the coffee machine and tipped
coffee powder into the polymer mixing maching tray. Noone saw anything.

P.S. Sorry for the long break. My computer crashed. There was a mail
from an old friend. She's now married into the Welchia family I think.
Crashed after that. Strange name that Welchia...

September 2nd
Dear Diary,

My boss told me I may not last the probation period. I was mighty
thrilled to hear that. Imagine!! Permanent in less than three months!!
That should be some sort of company record.

I made a presentation to all the staff yesterday. Some 300 people were
there. I think I sent good vibes. Everyone was smiling and nodding
their heads during the presentation. Someone later told me my fly was
open the whole time. But I don't think anyone noticed. The
presentation was on "An Open Culture: Let the feeling show!!"

p.s. 17156 ball bearings. I floated a scheme to give each employee a
ball bearing for every year of service. The HR manager immediately
convened a meeting with my boss. Every suggestion counts here at PWC.

September 4th
Dear Diary,

I have been transferred to the office in Sub-Saharan Africa. I will be
heading the Room Heater and Hot Water Geyser products division. They
have also told me to pay for all the ball bearings I bought. I think
it speaks much of the entrepreneurial spirit. I have been told to
leave immediately for Kujumbinana.

P.S. A foreign posting in under a year!!!

September 5th
Dear Diary,

I am in Kujumbinana. We don't have a branch here.......

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