Monday, May 30, 2005

World Ideologies As Explained By Reference To Cows

World Ideologies As Explained By Reference To Cows

FEUDALISM
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give the other to your neighbour.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The Government takes both and shares the milk with you and your neighbour.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.


PERESTROIKA
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

NAZI-ISM
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. You fill in 17 forms in triplicate and you don't have time to milk them.

BUREAUCRACY
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You milk them and pour the lot down the drain to keep the price up.

CAPITALISM
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

APARTHEID: You have two cows. You give the black cow's milk to the white cow to drink and don't milk the white cow.

WELFARE STATE: You have two cows. You milk them and give them the milk to drink.

UNITED NATIONS: You have two cows. Russia vetoes the farmer from milking them. Britain and France veto the cows from milking the farmers. USA abstains.

PURE ANARCHY
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows shoot you and milk each other.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state-of-the-art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You marry and your wife milks them.

REALISM: You have two cows. You get married and you still milk them.

COMMONSENSE: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Advaniism
You have two cows. You don't milk them. You worship them.

Chandrababuism
You have two cows in Vijayawada. You hook them to internet and milk them from Hyderabad.

Jayalalithaism
You have two cows. You teach them to cry, "Ammaaaaaaa..." and fall at your feet.

Karunanidhiism

You have two cows. You give one to your son and the other to your nephew.

Gandhism
You have two cows. But you drink goat's milk.

Indiraism
You have two bulls. You adamantly consider them as cows.

Lalooism
You have two cows. You buy Rs. 900 Crore worth of cattle-feed for them.

Rajnikantism
You have two cows. You throw them into air and catch their milk in your mouth.

Rajivism
You have two cows. You paint them both to get colorful milk.

Vajpayeeism
You have two cows. You distribute the milk among your partners and eat cattle-feed.

Clintonism
You have two cows. But you milk your neighbors' cows.

Osamaism
You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.

Talibanism
You have two cows. You put them in purdah.

UN-ism
You have two cows. You don't milk them; you only lecture to them.

Softwarism:
Client has two cows and you need to milk them:
1. First prepare a document when to milk them (Project kickoff)
2. Prepare a document how long you have to milk them(Project plan)
3. Then prepare how to milk them(Design)
4. Then prepare what other accessories are needed to milk them (Framework)
5. Then prepare two dummy cows (sort of toy cows) and show to client the way in which you will milk them (UI Mockups & POC)
6. If client is not satisfied then redo step 2
7. You actually start milking them and find that there are few problem with accessories.(Change framework). Redo step 4
8. At last milk them and send it to onsite. (Coding over)
9. Make sure that cow milks properly (Testing)
10. Onsite reports that it is not milking there
11. You break your head and find that onsite is trying to milk from bulls
12. At last onsite milk them and send to client (Testing)
13. Client says the quality of milk is not good. (User Acceptance Test)
14. Offsite then slogs and improves the quality of milk
15. Now the client says that the quality is good but its milking at slow rate (performance issue)
16. Again you slog and send it with good performance
17. Client is happy
18. But... By this time both the cows aged and can't milk


INFOSYSism
You have a thousand poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, and send them one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both and sell it as Cow's milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to unsuspecting small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

INTELism
Microsoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your cows and wonder why they don't run fast.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don't have a cow. You sell milking solutions for cows implimented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend 50 million dollars to develop the world's thinnest milk.

3Mism
You have a cow that gives 10 gallons of milk per day. You sell the manure as a "High-performance Agricultural Additive".

HPism
You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through Authorized Resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to citibank. If you have a cow, press one. If you have a bull, press two....stay on the line if you would like our customer care officer to milk it for you...

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INFOSYS ECONOMICS
You have 2 cows
You put both of them on the bench
And hire another to do the job.

TCS ├ČONOMICS
You have 2 cows
You tell them that only one will go to onsite.
You ask both of them to fight for the only H1B Visa.
Both of them die after fighting.

HCL ECONOMICS
You have 2 cows
You milk them only for 24 hours on just 7 days a week.
They run away.

WIPRO Economics
You have 2 cows
You train them for two months on how to milk
themselves.
Then u ask them to pull bullock carts.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You dont have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for
submarines, Switzerland for loans,Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.You don't know where they are.You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the sizeof an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

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